Intermittence

My lovely wife and I tested last night for our next belt promotions in Tae Kwon Do, and we both passed. I am now 3rd Geup, and Donnell is 4th. That means that we are three and four successful tests, respectively, from earning 1st Dan—a black belt.

I’m not sure how I feel about last night. My instructor (Mitchell Cochran, a man for whom I have great respect) obviously felt that I deserved to advance in rank, but I have persistent nagging doubts about myself. My forms were sloppy. I continue to execute the same, tired old one-steps and self-defense maneuvers. I remember working with another student several months ago as he earned the same belt I received last night, and he was overflowing with finesse, skill, and potential that I do not see in myself.

I don’t have a clear recollection of my thoughts after my last test, but I suspect that I felt this way then, too. It’s time to examine, again, what my motives are for practicing Tae Kwon Do, and whether I can retain my integrity as I continue to strive towards my goals.

I awoke Friday morning feeling lonely. I don’t know if it was the dreams, or the fact that I had to go spend another 9 hours at work when I didn’t really feel like it, but I opened my eyes and felt…disjointed.

I showered in solitude, apart physically and emotionally from the world around me, shaved and dried off and applied deodorant and gel all without any connection to anything, and went back to my bed. (It is my habit to finish with my morning ablutions and then give Donnell her five minute warning.) I climbed quietly into bed, trying my best to avoid disturbing my sleeping wife, and accidentally brushed my knee against her back.

Instantly, I was brought back home. My loneliness vanished as my mind and body snapped back into place, as part of a paired life—indeed, as a component in an entire planet full of living, interacting creatures. Until that touch, I was cut loose from everything, my mind left free (or perhaps cursed) to roam without connections or frames of reference. The warm touch of Donnell’s back electrified me and reminded me of my humanity.

I think that part of the burden of sentience is the ability to feel cut off from the world that surrounds us. It is what enables empathy—without removing oneself from our surroundings, how can we possibly place ourselves in another’s position? Empathy, in turn, enables internal discourse and executive thinking and introduces cognitive dissonance.

I crave physical contact the way I crave sustenance or sleep. It solidifies me in my world. It crystallizes who I am.

I think I’ve realized why I post so infrequently to my own blog:

I don’t do much that I find very interesting, so I secretly believe that nobody else will, either.

Sad, huh? Unfortunately, I (currently) believe it’s true.

This past week, for example, I did the following:

• Worked. As noted before, I schedule production for a PVC pipe plant and purchase raw materials for said plant.
• Bought a duvet cover
• Sprayed my house for fleas
• Played a non-spectacular video game with Donnell
• Exchanged insubstantial e-mails with my brother
• Avoided attending Tae Kwon Do class. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be able to test on 4/15.
• Avoided going to the gym
• Did some laundry
• Filed my taxes

I wonder: Is my life really this boring, or am I just not seeing the magic in what I do?